Savor the Journey

Recently I had a realization that finally “stuck” with me, I noticed that I have been so fixated on the “destination” or the end result of something that I wasn’t enjoying the actual journey.

I had whispers of this very understanding of myself, although I believe “more information” needed to come in so that I was able to truly recognize this pattern, or maybe I had to heal some aspects of myself that were not benefitting me.

This was an aspect of myself that kept showing up in my life in various ways. It showed up on road trips, whether with my cat, or a romantic partner, or even family. I noticed I was the one being impatient about getting to the location as fast as possible. Instead of enjoying the beautiful scenery around me on the road trip, or perhaps even stopping at a little gem of a special store along the way. No not me I had to “get there”!

While on vacation, I had to have some concrete plans to make myself comfortable. Yes, it is nice to make plans, although I am talking about making concrete plans and then when those plans are done, you feel paralyzed in a sense to just venture out and see where the day leads you. I am sure there were various aspects of my healing journey that were included in this behavior, although noticing them all coming together allowed me to recognize the pattern one piece at a time.

This way of approaching life also has shown up in my relationships, I would rush into being in relationship with someone, never savoring the getting to know them, or dates and the fun aspects. No, it was all about the deep committal work of being in a relationship. This showed up even in my healing journey, I would take on each “task” of healing as some level of a game that I had to get to the end of each level to achieve some form of healed version of myself that would be better than the last. This also showed up in my job and how I handled the tasks of responsibility. I would push myself through task after task without stopping to notice what I was learning or how everything fit together. Thank goodness I have retained the information, and I am now seeing things differently but until now I was just a simple workhorse.  

I have always heard the phrases “be present”, “slow down and smell the roses”, etc. and even though I agreed wholeheartedly with what the presenters were saying it really didn’t “stick” with me until I saw how it played out in my life.

One of the biggest realizations happened in my healing journey, I desired to get to a place where I wasn’t hurting anymore, where I wasn’t faced with learning difficult lessons anymore, where I can just feel some relief and get to the “new version of myself” as a lot of spiritual people like to say. But what is this new version of ourselves?

I realized there isn’t some magical “new version" waiting at the finish line. It is simply us living our lives and making more conscious choices today than we did yesterday, last week, or even a year ago.

Understanding comes in layers, you can’t force clarity, you can’t force growth, you have to live life, reflect, possibly journal (if that is your thing), notice your patterns, and one day a piece of awakening or realization will come together and then another and another.

 What I realized was that healing was not preparing me for some distant “new beginning”. My healing journey was teaching me how to live while I am still learning.

With love,

Belinda aka Ms. B

Not a Monster, but a Symbol of Transformation

In the energy of loving my new Medusa shirt and some fun, can I paint a different picture of this powerful woman that we call Medusa?

A priestess, a powerful woman that is a symbol of survival after trauma, female rage, boundaries, protection, reclaiming power after betrayal, and most of all transforming pain into strength. 

She was not the monster that they made her out to be, she became a protective symbol to ward off evil. Her snakes are not literal reptiles, they represent the protective mechanisms that emerge after betrayal, trauma and harm. 

A lot of us after being being hurt, or betrayed often feel as though we have been the problem, we become isolated, misunderstood, others fear our anger or our truths, and we are expected to carry the consequences of what was done. 

Medusa reminds us that we can be wounded and be transformed by that wound, and step into our sovereignty.

This story is not about a woman who became a monster, but a woman who was forced to become powerful enough that no one could ever violate her in the same way again. 

Although the question that comes up for me is can the protection remain without isolation? Can a woman learn that she can be safe without turning herself completely to stone?  Not become harder, not become bitter, but learning the difference between protection and punishment. 

It is about shedding the snakes, not the protective instincts of them, but the belief that you must stay on guard all the time to be safe. 

Safety can come from trusting yourself, your discernment, and your ability to walk away when something is not aligned. That is a different kind of power. 

Instead of seeing Medusa as a monster that she has been portrayed to be, let's see her as the representation of the things you have survived that changed you. To understand that you are allowed to have boundaries, you don't have to make yourself smaller to make others comfortable, your anger, intuition, and discernment all have a purpose. And protection and self-respect are not flaws.

Medusa doesn't have to be a symbol of wounds, she is the wisdom that came from them, real transformation, not vengeance, not victimhood, power with awareness. 

And the most beautiful part that shows up is becoming soft while being firmer with your boundaries and no longer turning yourself to "stone". This is a different kind of strength. This is a woman in her power, she knows who she is becoming and she doesn't need to be hard to have boundaries. This is a woman who survived so many things but is no longer defined by any of it. That, beautiful, is a different type of energy. 

So be proud of yourself for protecting your peace without losing your heart, or your softness, a lot of people become hard after life's lessons, you, my love, have become wiser, and that is a different type of power! 

I'd love to hear your thoughts...

What does Medusa represent to you?

Do you see a monster, a survivor, a protector, or something else entirely?

And have there been moments in your own life where your boundaries were misunderstood by others, even though they were necessary for your healing?

Let me know in the comments!

Love,

Ms. B

Can I finally live now? At some point, growth/healing can become another job.

This morning I saw a dog with purple colored hair with his/her little head hanging out the window in the passenger seat of a car. The dog let the air blow in his/her face, and I instantly felt the word freedom and love, and I started to cry.

I realized at this moment, life is about becoming more alive, not more productive (those of us that have been overproducers and work horses understand) Not more healed, or more evolved but more alive!

For years, my life has been organized around responsibility, work, family, relationships, healing, growth, and self-improvement.

Even my spiritual journey has often been approached through the lens of:

"What am I supposed to understand?"

"What am I supposed to heal?"

"What lesson is this teaching me?"

And those questions have served me for a long time, although at some point me working on my healing and growth started to feel like another job.

The old unconscious pattern for me was

"I will allow joy or relaxation after I earn it."

For many years there was always another thing to fix, another person to help, another thing to survive, another thing to accomplish, another thing to understand, another thing to carry.

My joy kept getting postponed until later. Except later never arrived, and the simple experience of just being alive got pushed to the side, because there was always something that seemed more important.

The dog I saw this morning wasn’t trying to become anything. It wasn’t working on healing, it wasn’t processing childhood wounds, manifesting its purpose, etc. The dog was just experiencing the moment.

Years ago, when I started this healing journey the question for me was how do I heal?

Then it became:

How do I stop abandoning myself?

The next place was how do I come home to myself?

And now it is about how do I enjoy being myself?

This was the realization that happened after seeing the dog this morning. Life doesn’t necessarily happen after all the healing; it is happening during the healing process. The goal is not to understand life so perfectly that you stop living it. The goal is to understand yourself well enough so that you finally allow yourself to participate in it.

Because there comes a point where the soul no longer needs another lesson in just surviving.

It begins with participating in living.

Enjoy the ride.

I hope you feel the wind in your face.

Love Ms. B